Holding on is a bad habit

Today is National Coming Out Day.  Robert Eichberg came up the idea in 1988.

In 1988, I had no idea there was such a day.  That’s because every day for me in 1988 was National Keep the Door Closed Tight on the Closet Day. And let me tell you this…holding the door closed was exhausting.

I decided when I was 15, that I would keep that part of me really secret. Because, I just knew, it was really horrible. Something you don’t talk about. That was the message I got growing up in the South.

I did finally come out, in 1992. 

I took a deep breath each time I was ready to tell someone, and braced myself for a potential backlash.  It never happened.  But I still braced myself.

In 1993 I went to the March on Washington for GLBT rights. 

There were 1 Million people there. 
It was a life-changing event. 
I remember calling my parents, and my dad saying, “We should be there with you.”  I could hear him choking back tears.

I was feeling really high when I got back to Jacksonville, FL.  All my co-workers wanted to know how it was, wanted details so they could share in the high. All but one.She walked by my office that afternoon and said, “I know where you went, and I’m praying for you.”

And in all the years since, she is the only person who had something potentially negative to say to me.  And in the end, I’ll take all the prayers that come my way.

Imagine my surprise

that in 2011, I found myself unconsciously bracing myself again.  Wondering what people that don’t even know me might think when they find out. 

That’s because I wrote a book. Which was a good idea, until I realized people would read it.  And in the book, I tell several stories, because it’s a part of who I am.  I had convinced myself that I’d sell a few books to friends and family, but had already written off any other sales.  All because I didn’t want to come out AGAIN! Hadn’t I already done that!

My amazing partner Sam asked me enough questions a couple of weeks ago on a vacation that I realized what I was doing. Holding on tight to the closet door, again.
When I realized that’s what I was doing, I got up from my beach chair, walked into the ocean and took a swim. 

I walked out a lot lighter.

I’ve told this story a few times now, and the same thing that happened years ago, happened again.  When I speak from the heart, it creates a sacred moment, and the person I am talking to always shares something heavy on their heart.

Today, I am so very grateful.

For the women who got me to that march in 1993 and for the women who prayed for me in 1993. 

For a man I never met, Robert Eichberg.

For Sam, who is just the most amazing person in the world.

And for my parents, who got on a train in 2000, at the age of 70, and marched with us in Washington DC.

Today is a good day.